Count Your Blessings (instead of sheep) - Irving Berlin
Once we get past the hustle and bustle of the holiday season I look forward to the time when I can sit down, slow down and best of all hunker down; preferably with a really good book or puzzle and something tasty to drink. It's at that slow pace that I can look around and appreciate everything around me, look back on the year and the good that came from it and dream of all the possibilities of the year to come.
It's so easy to focus on all the things that went wrong in our day to day lives. I can hear myself listing off all the negatives and misfires. I hear my kids doing the same. Negative breeds negative. When I catch myself in that mode it is usually coincides with times when I'm not feeling as healthy, have low energy, am eating poorly and in less than positive relationships with my family, friends and co-workers. I almost have to hit that low point to shock myself out of it. Ok, that brings visuals from Moonstruck - "Snap out of it!"
We lose a lot of sleep over worrying about our lives and the disappointments we have experienced. They keep us up at night and then that becomes a negative. "I didn't sleep well last night, worrying about this or that or the other thing." Why not turn that around and focus on the good from the day and the wonder that will come tomorrow; count our blessings and drift off to the gifts that make up our lives.
Merry Christmas everyone! Enjoy the memories from this past year and dream deeply of all the wonderful possibilities that are to come in the new year and beyond. I'm feeling sleepy already and I haven't yet touched that tasty drink!
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Life in the Fast Lane
Life In the Fast Lane - The Eagles
That's exactly where I feel I've been in the past couple months. Just six months ago I returned to work from year long medical leave. I started out what I thought was a slow pace only to have the accelerator quickly weighted down for the long haul. Once I jumped into that trap, it was hard to shut down. One thing piled on top of another.
The biggest problem was work. It was getting in my way. I had this wonderful year off -well wonderful to a degree when you are hooked up to an iv every week but I had been off long enough to get into a routine, and find my rhythm. How do I fit full-time work into an already full day? Something has got to give or 'surely makes you lose your mind.'
My solution is to rebalance and talk it out -a lot!!! Thank you to all those friends and family who heard me whine and complain over the past few months. With your help as my sounding board I'm slowly finding my way to rebalance my life.
I can also see now how self absorbed I was. Hey, I've got it pretty good so really shouldn't be complaining at all. Again, a sure sign that I was out of unbalance and had my priorities all twisted.
I'm now keeping the pace at a more manageable level and enjoying the chance to check out the scenery along the way.
That's exactly where I feel I've been in the past couple months. Just six months ago I returned to work from year long medical leave. I started out what I thought was a slow pace only to have the accelerator quickly weighted down for the long haul. Once I jumped into that trap, it was hard to shut down. One thing piled on top of another.
The biggest problem was work. It was getting in my way. I had this wonderful year off -well wonderful to a degree when you are hooked up to an iv every week but I had been off long enough to get into a routine, and find my rhythm. How do I fit full-time work into an already full day? Something has got to give or 'surely makes you lose your mind.'
My solution is to rebalance and talk it out -a lot!!! Thank you to all those friends and family who heard me whine and complain over the past few months. With your help as my sounding board I'm slowly finding my way to rebalance my life.
I can also see now how self absorbed I was. Hey, I've got it pretty good so really shouldn't be complaining at all. Again, a sure sign that I was out of unbalance and had my priorities all twisted.
I'm now keeping the pace at a more manageable level and enjoying the chance to check out the scenery along the way.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
How Did I Get Here
Once In a Lifetime - Talking Heads
I find now more than often I ask the question 'How did I get here?' It's not that I'm confused or unhappy with where I find myself in life but rather a chance to look back at all the experiences and choices made in life to bring you to a point in time. I look at it as a celebration of what I've done and where I am now. Every little step makes us who we are and takes us along the road in life.
I think it's important to take stock now and then on where I am and check in with myself. Do I like where I am in life?, what I'm doing with my time?, whom I'm spending time with? Am I learning?
Looking back has been particularly relevant in the past few days as I find myself in Europe. I am continually drawn back to past trips and experiences while travelling whether these be 9 years or 30 years prior, they seem to be suddenly at the forefront of my mind. Perhaps that's age as the long-term seems much clearer than the short-term these days. I'm loving it.
In independent travel there are lots of individual decisions to be made. Decisions as large as where and when to go, to the smaller ones like which street to turn down when meandering through a new city. While both are important, I love the adventure of the small ones. Turning a corner unguided brings about unexpected adventure and opens your mind to all possibilities.
In the past days I have wandering the streets of the catalonia area in Spain. Barcelona and Girona in particular. Barcelona is familiar but always changing and developing. Girona is new to me and the perfect place to make those little decisions that have the potential for great experiences and open your mind to every sight, sound and smell. You reach a destination and looking back to 'How did I get here' takes on a new meaning. Was it the tracing of the past few turns on the map or does it extend to the choice of city and method of transport, or even further to what brought on the decision to pack a bag and make the journey? It's important to think about it now and again and take that journey back in your life. How did you get to where you are now? Let yourself enjoy the journey once again.
I find now more than often I ask the question 'How did I get here?' It's not that I'm confused or unhappy with where I find myself in life but rather a chance to look back at all the experiences and choices made in life to bring you to a point in time. I look at it as a celebration of what I've done and where I am now. Every little step makes us who we are and takes us along the road in life.
I think it's important to take stock now and then on where I am and check in with myself. Do I like where I am in life?, what I'm doing with my time?, whom I'm spending time with? Am I learning?
Looking back has been particularly relevant in the past few days as I find myself in Europe. I am continually drawn back to past trips and experiences while travelling whether these be 9 years or 30 years prior, they seem to be suddenly at the forefront of my mind. Perhaps that's age as the long-term seems much clearer than the short-term these days. I'm loving it.
In independent travel there are lots of individual decisions to be made. Decisions as large as where and when to go, to the smaller ones like which street to turn down when meandering through a new city. While both are important, I love the adventure of the small ones. Turning a corner unguided brings about unexpected adventure and opens your mind to all possibilities.
In the past days I have wandering the streets of the catalonia area in Spain. Barcelona and Girona in particular. Barcelona is familiar but always changing and developing. Girona is new to me and the perfect place to make those little decisions that have the potential for great experiences and open your mind to every sight, sound and smell. You reach a destination and looking back to 'How did I get here' takes on a new meaning. Was it the tracing of the past few turns on the map or does it extend to the choice of city and method of transport, or even further to what brought on the decision to pack a bag and make the journey? It's important to think about it now and again and take that journey back in your life. How did you get to where you are now? Let yourself enjoy the journey once again.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
And the cat came back the very next day
And the Cat Came Back - Harry S. Miller
We live in a house of dogs. Not that we have a ton of dogs, in fact, the dog we have now sits on the borderline in the dog-cat spectrum, but we identify as a dog household rather than cat. In fact you could say that some in the household are 'anti-cat'. This tendency is reinforced by mild cat allergies in my girls and the fact that we already have a cat chasing dog in the house.
So, where is this all going? One late night as my daughter was walking home from work she called and said she had a problem. Ok, that could be anything so I braced myself. The problem is that a small cat had been following her home for a number of blocks, randomly darting out into the roadway in the process. I told her to keep walking and ignore it and see what happens when she got home. She tried to ignore it and walk it back but eventually, the two of the arrived at our door. My thoughts were that it could sleep outside with a dish of milk and a blanket but at midnight I wasn't wanting to negotiate or reason with my daughter with that idea. So, in my new version of parenting teens I left it to her - 'What should I do?' My response: 'You decide'. So, my daughter decided to keep the cat in her room for the night and then source out the owner in the morning.
I left her on her own the following morning to find the rightful home for the feline and checked in with her later in the day with the provision that it would NOT be spending another night in the house. By the end of the day she had looked for identifiable tattoos or chip implants and found none but decided to have it checked out by the nearby vet. They found a chip and also confirmed that not only was the cat fairly young but it had been recently spade and was still healing from the surgery. The vet researched the chip and identified that it was registered in - get this - Taiwan. Before you take your mind the same route mine did namely, how did this animal get across the ocean, the story makes sense in the end. Due to the time change, they wouldn't be able to get any info on the registered owner until the next day. She found a friend who would take the cat for the night thereby meeting my requirements that it not be in our house and also relieving her of the ever increasing allergic reaction she was having. The cat was gone for the night but, as the song goes, the cat came back the very next day.
In the end, the owner was identified as someone living along her route from work to home. Apparently Taiwan is a common place for cat rescue and that's where this one originated. Although sounding bizarre at the time, in the end, it all made sense. It was a good lesson for my daughter, learning to make a decision, live with it and carry it through to the end. It also prompted her to fully clean her room to get rid of any 'essence of cat' that might remain. That in itself was worth a few days with a feline.
Now, if it had been a puppy....that's another story.
We live in a house of dogs. Not that we have a ton of dogs, in fact, the dog we have now sits on the borderline in the dog-cat spectrum, but we identify as a dog household rather than cat. In fact you could say that some in the household are 'anti-cat'. This tendency is reinforced by mild cat allergies in my girls and the fact that we already have a cat chasing dog in the house.
So, where is this all going? One late night as my daughter was walking home from work she called and said she had a problem. Ok, that could be anything so I braced myself. The problem is that a small cat had been following her home for a number of blocks, randomly darting out into the roadway in the process. I told her to keep walking and ignore it and see what happens when she got home. She tried to ignore it and walk it back but eventually, the two of the arrived at our door. My thoughts were that it could sleep outside with a dish of milk and a blanket but at midnight I wasn't wanting to negotiate or reason with my daughter with that idea. So, in my new version of parenting teens I left it to her - 'What should I do?' My response: 'You decide'. So, my daughter decided to keep the cat in her room for the night and then source out the owner in the morning.
I left her on her own the following morning to find the rightful home for the feline and checked in with her later in the day with the provision that it would NOT be spending another night in the house. By the end of the day she had looked for identifiable tattoos or chip implants and found none but decided to have it checked out by the nearby vet. They found a chip and also confirmed that not only was the cat fairly young but it had been recently spade and was still healing from the surgery. The vet researched the chip and identified that it was registered in - get this - Taiwan. Before you take your mind the same route mine did namely, how did this animal get across the ocean, the story makes sense in the end. Due to the time change, they wouldn't be able to get any info on the registered owner until the next day. She found a friend who would take the cat for the night thereby meeting my requirements that it not be in our house and also relieving her of the ever increasing allergic reaction she was having. The cat was gone for the night but, as the song goes, the cat came back the very next day.
In the end, the owner was identified as someone living along her route from work to home. Apparently Taiwan is a common place for cat rescue and that's where this one originated. Although sounding bizarre at the time, in the end, it all made sense. It was a good lesson for my daughter, learning to make a decision, live with it and carry it through to the end. It also prompted her to fully clean her room to get rid of any 'essence of cat' that might remain. That in itself was worth a few days with a feline.
Now, if it had been a puppy....that's another story.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Another one bites the dust....
Another One Bites the Dust - Queen
Everything is in a state of constant change. No complaints as I like change but while out on a walk the other day I was particularly struck by the change happening in my neighbourhood. I live in the centre of a smaller city where there has been a mix of housing but mostly older 1-2 story family homes on larger lots. In the past 5 years that has changed so that the shift is to larger, grandiose style structures with more living space than lot area. It seems every day there is yet another smaller home being bull-dozed and it's place a yet even larger structure.
I'm not sure where this is leading to? As my thoughts move toward downsizing and reducing space and clutter, these larger homes promote massive living areas to be filled yet more and more clutter. Where will I go when the kids are gone and I no longer need or want to manage more space than I can use? Will there be a space for me? Will my only option be to buy a piece of the sky or live in the underground space of one of these larger homes? Who can afford these places and is that sustainable?
I'm beginning to no longer recognize the neighbourhood that I have grown to love over the past 25 years. I guess I'm sounding like one of the 'old folks' that can't let go of the past. I'm not really. Ok, I'm older but I'm willing to allow things to move along. I'm just not ready to feel like it's not my neighbourhood any longer. I like where I live but am beginning to like many parts of it a lot less.
If people are attracted to living in this neighbourhood why do they need to change it rather than embrace what it already has become? When we learn that bigger is not always better? More doesn't mean anything beyond quantity and not quality?
Enough of the rant. There are still many qualities to my city that make it special and exactly what I like. For now that will keep me here until it comes time for my home to face the bulldozer. (sigh).
Everything is in a state of constant change. No complaints as I like change but while out on a walk the other day I was particularly struck by the change happening in my neighbourhood. I live in the centre of a smaller city where there has been a mix of housing but mostly older 1-2 story family homes on larger lots. In the past 5 years that has changed so that the shift is to larger, grandiose style structures with more living space than lot area. It seems every day there is yet another smaller home being bull-dozed and it's place a yet even larger structure.
I'm not sure where this is leading to? As my thoughts move toward downsizing and reducing space and clutter, these larger homes promote massive living areas to be filled yet more and more clutter. Where will I go when the kids are gone and I no longer need or want to manage more space than I can use? Will there be a space for me? Will my only option be to buy a piece of the sky or live in the underground space of one of these larger homes? Who can afford these places and is that sustainable?
I'm beginning to no longer recognize the neighbourhood that I have grown to love over the past 25 years. I guess I'm sounding like one of the 'old folks' that can't let go of the past. I'm not really. Ok, I'm older but I'm willing to allow things to move along. I'm just not ready to feel like it's not my neighbourhood any longer. I like where I live but am beginning to like many parts of it a lot less.
If people are attracted to living in this neighbourhood why do they need to change it rather than embrace what it already has become? When we learn that bigger is not always better? More doesn't mean anything beyond quantity and not quality?
Enough of the rant. There are still many qualities to my city that make it special and exactly what I like. For now that will keep me here until it comes time for my home to face the bulldozer. (sigh).
Friday, June 26, 2015
When things fall into place
This is the Day - The The
Due to some medical issues I have been dealing with over the past, well 18 months, I have been feeling a little 'landlocked' as I like to refer to it. Feeling tethered to where I live in order to make appointments and not put my self at risk for medical complications. Now that the treatment is essentially complete, I now feel like the chains have been loosened and I can cut loose.
Through ongoing encouragement from family and friends I decided to look into a quick trip to Europe - a whirlwind trip as I like to call it to get in visits with each of my family members plus a few days travelling with a friend. Initially I looked at it as an impossible feat either due to logistics of where I'd need to go, lack of convenient flight offerings, conflict with doctor appointments or work deadlines. At the end of the day I was sure that the cost of such a country hopping adventure would be a shoe-in to make it a no-go.
So I made my list and worked through each of what were impassible steps. I checked in to see who was going to be where and when to map a possible agenda. No roadblocks there. It seemed that everyone was available and even had accommodation for me. I checked with my doctor appointments to determine if they could be adjusted easily. No problem there. I checked with the possible flights and it seemed that there was availability and flights without a zillion stopovers or long layovers. All systems go there. Ok, work, there had to be a problem and immovable deadline that would restrict my ability to take enough vacation time. Nope. Everyone was ok with it and there was back up available. Let's see, prior commitments to my dragon boating team for a regatta. Well, seems the flights were so flexible I could work around that. So, no wanting to make a decision on my own to make the trip I left it up to the airlines. This whirlwind adventure had to be a pricey one. Something that would make it totally unreasonable to consider. Wrong again. Not only was the price reasonable, but it got cheaper with each day that I waited to book. Just to knock some further sense into me I received an unexpected cheque that would cover 80% of the cost. Ok, ok, I can take a hint!!!
Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow, take things as they come and let it all fall into place. This trip was meant to be. There were some people up there helping to make it all happen - watching out for me. Consistently knocking me on the head until I came to my senses.
So I'm now booked. 17,800 km in 2 weeks; 3 countries; lots of family and friends to visit. It's gonna be great.
Due to some medical issues I have been dealing with over the past, well 18 months, I have been feeling a little 'landlocked' as I like to refer to it. Feeling tethered to where I live in order to make appointments and not put my self at risk for medical complications. Now that the treatment is essentially complete, I now feel like the chains have been loosened and I can cut loose.
Through ongoing encouragement from family and friends I decided to look into a quick trip to Europe - a whirlwind trip as I like to call it to get in visits with each of my family members plus a few days travelling with a friend. Initially I looked at it as an impossible feat either due to logistics of where I'd need to go, lack of convenient flight offerings, conflict with doctor appointments or work deadlines. At the end of the day I was sure that the cost of such a country hopping adventure would be a shoe-in to make it a no-go.
So I made my list and worked through each of what were impassible steps. I checked in to see who was going to be where and when to map a possible agenda. No roadblocks there. It seemed that everyone was available and even had accommodation for me. I checked with my doctor appointments to determine if they could be adjusted easily. No problem there. I checked with the possible flights and it seemed that there was availability and flights without a zillion stopovers or long layovers. All systems go there. Ok, work, there had to be a problem and immovable deadline that would restrict my ability to take enough vacation time. Nope. Everyone was ok with it and there was back up available. Let's see, prior commitments to my dragon boating team for a regatta. Well, seems the flights were so flexible I could work around that. So, no wanting to make a decision on my own to make the trip I left it up to the airlines. This whirlwind adventure had to be a pricey one. Something that would make it totally unreasonable to consider. Wrong again. Not only was the price reasonable, but it got cheaper with each day that I waited to book. Just to knock some further sense into me I received an unexpected cheque that would cover 80% of the cost. Ok, ok, I can take a hint!!!
Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow, take things as they come and let it all fall into place. This trip was meant to be. There were some people up there helping to make it all happen - watching out for me. Consistently knocking me on the head until I came to my senses.
So I'm now booked. 17,800 km in 2 weeks; 3 countries; lots of family and friends to visit. It's gonna be great.
Monday, June 22, 2015
It's not easy being green
Bein' Green - Joe Raposo
One of the things that I love about the city I live in is the environmental consciousness of our city council and citizens. We live and work in a beautiful place and it's so important that we not take that for granted. So there are always opportunities to jump on the wagon or incentives to encourage the somewhat hesitant to get on the bus - literally, get out of their cars on the bus.
So, a couple weeks ago our city ran a campaign to subsidize the purchase of rain barrels. I'm more than willing to jump in when someone else is paying half. I know, my taxes are paying part of the cost but then so are the taxes of the water hogs so I'm happy with that part. I decided to get two barrels. As my brother said, if you've got two downspouts, why not. And he should know because he's our water conscious expert.
I manhandled the two larger than me barrels into the car. I left them there for a couple of days until one of my daughter's taller and stronger friends was around to pull them out. I then put off installing them. There were only a few small steps but I knew it wasn't going to be that easy. Finally I sat down with the instructions. Only 5 steps - no problem.
Step 1 - cut the downspout. For those who have never really looked at a downspout, that means cutting metal. Kitchen shears won't work. There's an art to this whole thing and let's just say, that I didn't take that class. I had done some forethought and had bought the right tool to do the cutting so I was able to make a rough attempt at looking like I knew what I was doing. In my mind I was entertaining the whole neighbourhood with my attempt at this whole project as they stood their with their hoses watering their grass. I mean, why water grass - you just have to mow it!!!
Step 2 - attach a curved piece of downspout to direct water to the rainbarrel. In the store it looks easy. The pieces all fit together perfectly, like lego. But once you get an amateur hacking away at the end to cut the metal, the whole adventure begins. You have to cut more, bend, hammer, pry and squeeze with your bare hands to marry the two pieces together - praying that they will stay. I'm sure that there are a few relationships built on that same process.
Step 3 - screw the spout to the pre-drilled hole in the barrel. Piece of cake right? Well, if the hole is located 3 feet deep into the barrel and your arm is only 2.75 feet, then there's a problem. Plyers don't make up the difference. Before I was enlightened and enlisted the help of my long armed son, I could be seen straddling the barrel with my arms outstretched one on the inside and one on the outside while trying to screw and fasten the bolt around the spout. If my head wasn't already in the barrel then I'm sure I would have heard the roars of laughter from the neighbourhood.
Step 4 - attach the overflow hose to either side but first break open the plastic disc protecting the opening. Not like popping off the seal on a bottle of fresh juice. No, this involved a screwdriver and a dozen good wacks with a hammer. Then the hose had to be attached to the overflow spout. Attached is putting it mildly - forced is scratching the surface.
Step 5- screw on the lid. I have to say that it was the most refreshing part of the whole process. They left the easiest for last I expect as a reward for a committing yourself to sticking it out to the finish. I was done! Yes!! Now, on to barrel number two. Arrrggghhh!
Now Let it Rain, (Let it Rain -Eric Clapton).
One of the things that I love about the city I live in is the environmental consciousness of our city council and citizens. We live and work in a beautiful place and it's so important that we not take that for granted. So there are always opportunities to jump on the wagon or incentives to encourage the somewhat hesitant to get on the bus - literally, get out of their cars on the bus.
So, a couple weeks ago our city ran a campaign to subsidize the purchase of rain barrels. I'm more than willing to jump in when someone else is paying half. I know, my taxes are paying part of the cost but then so are the taxes of the water hogs so I'm happy with that part. I decided to get two barrels. As my brother said, if you've got two downspouts, why not. And he should know because he's our water conscious expert.
I manhandled the two larger than me barrels into the car. I left them there for a couple of days until one of my daughter's taller and stronger friends was around to pull them out. I then put off installing them. There were only a few small steps but I knew it wasn't going to be that easy. Finally I sat down with the instructions. Only 5 steps - no problem.
Step 1 - cut the downspout. For those who have never really looked at a downspout, that means cutting metal. Kitchen shears won't work. There's an art to this whole thing and let's just say, that I didn't take that class. I had done some forethought and had bought the right tool to do the cutting so I was able to make a rough attempt at looking like I knew what I was doing. In my mind I was entertaining the whole neighbourhood with my attempt at this whole project as they stood their with their hoses watering their grass. I mean, why water grass - you just have to mow it!!!
Step 2 - attach a curved piece of downspout to direct water to the rainbarrel. In the store it looks easy. The pieces all fit together perfectly, like lego. But once you get an amateur hacking away at the end to cut the metal, the whole adventure begins. You have to cut more, bend, hammer, pry and squeeze with your bare hands to marry the two pieces together - praying that they will stay. I'm sure that there are a few relationships built on that same process.
Step 3 - screw the spout to the pre-drilled hole in the barrel. Piece of cake right? Well, if the hole is located 3 feet deep into the barrel and your arm is only 2.75 feet, then there's a problem. Plyers don't make up the difference. Before I was enlightened and enlisted the help of my long armed son, I could be seen straddling the barrel with my arms outstretched one on the inside and one on the outside while trying to screw and fasten the bolt around the spout. If my head wasn't already in the barrel then I'm sure I would have heard the roars of laughter from the neighbourhood.
Step 4 - attach the overflow hose to either side but first break open the plastic disc protecting the opening. Not like popping off the seal on a bottle of fresh juice. No, this involved a screwdriver and a dozen good wacks with a hammer. Then the hose had to be attached to the overflow spout. Attached is putting it mildly - forced is scratching the surface.
Step 5- screw on the lid. I have to say that it was the most refreshing part of the whole process. They left the easiest for last I expect as a reward for a committing yourself to sticking it out to the finish. I was done! Yes!! Now, on to barrel number two. Arrrggghhh!
Now Let it Rain, (Let it Rain -Eric Clapton).
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Cause I Can't Get it Out of My Head
Can't Get It Out of My Head - Electric Light Orchestra
Writing or scrawling notes helps to clear my mind. It helps to get all those conversations and sometimes random thoughts out of my head. It finds a home for those lines that just don't fit into the daily discussions. It would be wonderful if my brain worked like a computer so I could catalogue all these thoughts and just call on them quickly at the perfect time in true conversation. I'd be such a witty person - at least in my mind. But that's not me and quite frankly I can't imagine the horror of having to catalogue all my thoughts I guess that's called 'tagging' in today's world but I'm still in the old world when it comes to some technology.
So when I write things down - whether I publish them or not, it frees up a little more space in my mind for other thoughts or sometimes just no thoughts which gives me breathing space. It's a bit of a release and very often it allows me to sleep at night. Many of these bits of prose come to the surface of my mind in the middle of the night. It's like they wait until After Midnight to let it all hang out (After Midnight - Eric Clapton). I guess that's when it's quiet and the distractions are fewer and those odd little bits seem more comfortable exposing themselves. Although it can keep me up at night now and then, I still love those times. It's like having a little visit with the part of me that often feels hidden and buried. It's a part of me that is only mine until I write it down. Once it is written down, it's ready to be off on it's own - set free and out in the world. And finally, out of my head.
Writing or scrawling notes helps to clear my mind. It helps to get all those conversations and sometimes random thoughts out of my head. It finds a home for those lines that just don't fit into the daily discussions. It would be wonderful if my brain worked like a computer so I could catalogue all these thoughts and just call on them quickly at the perfect time in true conversation. I'd be such a witty person - at least in my mind. But that's not me and quite frankly I can't imagine the horror of having to catalogue all my thoughts I guess that's called 'tagging' in today's world but I'm still in the old world when it comes to some technology.
So when I write things down - whether I publish them or not, it frees up a little more space in my mind for other thoughts or sometimes just no thoughts which gives me breathing space. It's a bit of a release and very often it allows me to sleep at night. Many of these bits of prose come to the surface of my mind in the middle of the night. It's like they wait until After Midnight to let it all hang out (After Midnight - Eric Clapton). I guess that's when it's quiet and the distractions are fewer and those odd little bits seem more comfortable exposing themselves. Although it can keep me up at night now and then, I still love those times. It's like having a little visit with the part of me that often feels hidden and buried. It's a part of me that is only mine until I write it down. Once it is written down, it's ready to be off on it's own - set free and out in the world. And finally, out of my head.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Just the way you are
Just the Way You Are - Billy Joel
We all do it - look to improve ourselves in some way - lose a pound or two, get more fit, eat better, dress more fashionably/or casually - whatever. It's a constant and it is thrown at us continually through mass media, friends and family. So we in a constant pattern of trying to change change either by our own efforts or the world around us.
I’ve just gone through cancer treatment for
the past 18 months. In that time I saw
the changes coming about, new hair, new body, etc. Today I finished my last chemo (feeling great
by the way) and I am different. It
wasn’t the treatment that sparked that thought, but rather watching a
movie. I watched Still Alice for the
first time. I had read the book years
ago when it first came out and all Lisa Genova’s subsequent books. Loved them all. Tonight, Still Alice in film really
struck home. While watching Alice as she enters into the world of early onset Alzheimer's disease, I was struck by the realization that, like her, I am now different. Alice and I are both the same persons that we were before we were diagnosed but also we have each become someone different and that's ok.
Cancer has made me a different person but I see that now. I'm more in touch with who I am and really like the 'new me'. I’m not knocking the old
self, I quite liked her too, but I seem to know this new self more personally. This one has gone
through some shit and knows how it feels to go through that and come out the
other side. This one can look at a
fellow cancer patient and connect – without words but just by acknowledging
that we’ve been on a similar but unique, private journey.
It’s somewhat scary. Almost a feeling of being alone – naked and
naïve. Like being a child. But everything fits together but somehow
different. It’s freeing – everything
seems clear – so simple. It’s very
private but so peaceful. Like walking
in a crowd but alone. It's acceptance, permission to be yourself and not continually search for those changes. When this feeling comes about the first
thing to do is go to your closet and purge your clothes. It’s simple to see your new self in those
old clothes and let them all go.
It's good though to stop and take a look now and then to see where we are and what we have become. And to be proud of that person.. Time to give ourselves a big hug and pat on the back.
No need for big life changing events to make this happen. All it takes is to stop and look where you are at and really see who we are and how we relate to the world and people around us. For me it usually hits me when I'm sitting alone at home watching a good dramatic movie. I feel in sync somehow with the film, some tears or good laughs. I've had some great moments when out on the beach, in the middle of the forest or just out on the back deck. I seek to allow myself to have more and more of those moments.
It's about allowing ourselves to grow but also accepting of ourselves day to day with less judgement. Laugh at ourselves and celebrate each moment. After all, we are only this way once so why not enjoy it. Even if we don't seek to try and change ourselves, the world will shift even ever so slightly and our place in it Isn't that just what makes life so interesting and cool?
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