We all do it - look to improve ourselves in some way - lose a pound or two, get more fit, eat better, dress more fashionably/or casually - whatever. It's a constant and it is thrown at us continually through mass media, friends and family. So we in a constant pattern of trying to change change either by our own efforts or the world around us.
I’ve just gone through cancer treatment for
the past 18 months. In that time I saw
the changes coming about, new hair, new body, etc. Today I finished my last chemo (feeling great
by the way) and I am different. It
wasn’t the treatment that sparked that thought, but rather watching a
movie. I watched Still Alice for the
first time. I had read the book years
ago when it first came out and all Lisa Genova’s subsequent books. Loved them all. Tonight, Still Alice in film really
struck home. While watching Alice as she enters into the world of early onset Alzheimer's disease, I was struck by the realization that, like her, I am now different. Alice and I are both the same persons that we were before we were diagnosed but also we have each become someone different and that's ok.
Cancer has made me a different person but I see that now. I'm more in touch with who I am and really like the 'new me'. I’m not knocking the old
self, I quite liked her too, but I seem to know this new self more personally. This one has gone
through some shit and knows how it feels to go through that and come out the
other side. This one can look at a
fellow cancer patient and connect – without words but just by acknowledging
that we’ve been on a similar but unique, private journey.
It’s somewhat scary. Almost a feeling of being alone – naked and
naïve. Like being a child. But everything fits together but somehow
different. It’s freeing – everything
seems clear – so simple. It’s very
private but so peaceful. Like walking
in a crowd but alone. It's acceptance, permission to be yourself and not continually search for those changes. When this feeling comes about the first
thing to do is go to your closet and purge your clothes. It’s simple to see your new self in those
old clothes and let them all go.
It's good though to stop and take a look now and then to see where we are and what we have become. And to be proud of that person.. Time to give ourselves a big hug and pat on the back.
No need for big life changing events to make this happen. All it takes is to stop and look where you are at and really see who we are and how we relate to the world and people around us. For me it usually hits me when I'm sitting alone at home watching a good dramatic movie. I feel in sync somehow with the film, some tears or good laughs. I've had some great moments when out on the beach, in the middle of the forest or just out on the back deck. I seek to allow myself to have more and more of those moments.
It's about allowing ourselves to grow but also accepting of ourselves day to day with less judgement. Laugh at ourselves and celebrate each moment. After all, we are only this way once so why not enjoy it. Even if we don't seek to try and change ourselves, the world will shift even ever so slightly and our place in it Isn't that just what makes life so interesting and cool?
